His gaze turns sharply back to Huaisang when he says that, expression almost unreadable - although more because it is a tangled mix of emotions and cannot seem to settle on any one of them for long than anything else. Disbelief, perhaps, is the closest.
Huaisang was the only person that Lan Xichen believed would blame him more than Lan Xichen blames himself. He had thought about it in seclusion, occasionally, when his mind could be drawn from re-evaluating every one of Jin Guangyao's actions, every one of his own - he had wondered about Huaisang, how much of their relationship was real and how much was him putting on a show to keep attention from himself.
He had accepted that he would always care for Huaisang, regardless of the answer. He had, too, accepted what he believed might be the reasons that Huaisang could not have trusted him with what he learned. He had never allowed himself to finish the thought, the handful of times that it started to occur to him if Huaisang had wondered whether or not Lan Xichen knew about what Jin Guangyao was doing to Mingjue, and turned a blind eye to that too.
But he had never once thought that Huaisang wouldn't blame him, and hearing him say that it isn't Lan Xichen's fault cracks the carefully laid foundation and walls he's started building for himself during his time here.
It is, he wants to say, it is my fault, how could it not be, but he still doesn't know how to argue that point without making it sound like he is accepting more guilt than others would put on him - or like he is excusing Jin Guangyao's actions. And so he says nothing in protest, for the moment.
"It has felt dream-like to me at times as well. But it is also dangerous here. The Queen has ears everywhere. She makes it no secret that as she brought all of us together here, so, too, can she make them suffer."
He swallows, and then continues with, "And Meng Yao is here."
no subject
Huaisang was the only person that Lan Xichen believed would blame him more than Lan Xichen blames himself. He had thought about it in seclusion, occasionally, when his mind could be drawn from re-evaluating every one of Jin Guangyao's actions, every one of his own - he had wondered about Huaisang, how much of their relationship was real and how much was him putting on a show to keep attention from himself.
He had accepted that he would always care for Huaisang, regardless of the answer. He had, too, accepted what he believed might be the reasons that Huaisang could not have trusted him with what he learned. He had never allowed himself to finish the thought, the handful of times that it started to occur to him if Huaisang had wondered whether or not Lan Xichen knew about what Jin Guangyao was doing to Mingjue, and turned a blind eye to that too.
But he had never once thought that Huaisang wouldn't blame him, and hearing him say that it isn't Lan Xichen's fault cracks the carefully laid foundation and walls he's started building for himself during his time here.
It is, he wants to say, it is my fault, how could it not be, but he still doesn't know how to argue that point without making it sound like he is accepting more guilt than others would put on him - or like he is excusing Jin Guangyao's actions. And so he says nothing in protest, for the moment.
"It has felt dream-like to me at times as well. But it is also dangerous here. The Queen has ears everywhere. She makes it no secret that as she brought all of us together here, so, too, can she make them suffer."
He swallows, and then continues with, "And Meng Yao is here."