Sometimes he hates this place. He wonders if they would have all these frustrations if they were back on their world or if it is only here that they have to keep passing these trials.
There was so much he still didn't understand. The time he spends with both Lan Wangji are precious, but he has given this one so much more then he has given the other. And he feels like he should be happy that they have finally all understood these feelings they have for each other but he still feels slightly betrayed despite that.
He turns his head as he watches the other man start to walk away, afraid he was just going to leave him behind. Once more the words of the twins echo in his ears and he find that fear of being alone start to bubble up. He opens his mouth to call out to him and all that comes is a choked sob.
So it is almost a relief when the man stops by a tree and unleashing the same kind of fury on it as he had seen him do all those years ago. At the time he didn't know why, but now he does and he feels bad that this is the second time that he has made Lan Wangji unleash such anger.
When he finally trusts his voice it is still shaky from the fear of moments ago, "Lan Zhan.." He takes a couple unsteady steps towards him, trying to get back some of his confidence.
"You say you want more and you want whatever I give to him to be yours. But I've given you so much more then I've ever given him. I've given you myself, my body, my soul. You're the only one I've ever kissed on the lips or been intimate with. You're the one I wake up next to every day and you're the one I'm going to marry. Does none of that count?"
He looks down at the ground as he stops a few feet away from the other man, his heart feeling like it got left behind in a trail of broken pieces from the fire to this point.
"I'm the one that doesn't deserve you. After everything I've done, I don't deserve anything. The hotel should have left me dead..."
But there is something that still bothers him despite that, "But if it had..I would want you to find happiness with the other me someday. After you have avenged whomever caused me to be that way..and your anger is gone..I want you to move on. Because I'd rather you were happy then to be lost like you were for all those years. I don't deserve to be mourned for thirteen years. Especially not when there is someone just like me here to help you heal." Being told what he did right after he died was a shock. It was hard to accept because of the timing..because he did come back. But as he works out everything in his heart and his mind now that he knows the truth, he understands and accepts it. It still hurts but that won't ever change.
But perhaps it also hurts because there is still uncertainty in his heart, "But if the reason you kissed him when I was back was because I can't make you happy..then you should be with someone who can."
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There was so much he still didn't understand. The time he spends with both Lan Wangji are precious, but he has given this one so much more then he has given the other. And he feels like he should be happy that they have finally all understood these feelings they have for each other but he still feels slightly betrayed despite that.
He turns his head as he watches the other man start to walk away, afraid he was just going to leave him behind. Once more the words of the twins echo in his ears and he find that fear of being alone start to bubble up. He opens his mouth to call out to him and all that comes is a choked sob.
So it is almost a relief when the man stops by a tree and unleashing the same kind of fury on it as he had seen him do all those years ago. At the time he didn't know why, but now he does and he feels bad that this is the second time that he has made Lan Wangji unleash such anger.
When he finally trusts his voice it is still shaky from the fear of moments ago, "Lan Zhan.." He takes a couple unsteady steps towards him, trying to get back some of his confidence.
"You say you want more and you want whatever I give to him to be yours. But I've given you so much more then I've ever given him. I've given you myself, my body, my soul. You're the only one I've ever kissed on the lips or been intimate with. You're the one I wake up next to every day and you're the one I'm going to marry. Does none of that count?"
He looks down at the ground as he stops a few feet away from the other man, his heart feeling like it got left behind in a trail of broken pieces from the fire to this point.
"I'm the one that doesn't deserve you. After everything I've done, I don't deserve anything. The hotel should have left me dead..."
But there is something that still bothers him despite that, "But if it had..I would want you to find happiness with the other me someday. After you have avenged whomever caused me to be that way..and your anger is gone..I want you to move on. Because I'd rather you were happy then to be lost like you were for all those years. I don't deserve to be mourned for thirteen years. Especially not when there is someone just like me here to help you heal." Being told what he did right after he died was a shock. It was hard to accept because of the timing..because he did come back. But as he works out everything in his heart and his mind now that he knows the truth, he understands and accepts it. It still hurts but that won't ever change.
But perhaps it also hurts because there is still uncertainty in his heart, "But if the reason you kissed him when I was back was because I can't make you happy..then you should be with someone who can."