funnyhearts | TEST DRIVE MEME 005

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TEST DRIVE MEME 005

HAPPY HEARTS HOTEL

You wake up in a padded box. It rocks, gently, as though suspended in mid-air. You begin to stir, confusion or distress pushing you to try to sit up — and then the air begins to smell sweet, and you fall back asleep.

You wake up in a padded box. For a moment, you are beatifically calm. You don't know how you got here, or why, but that isn't really all that important. You don't need to know where you are. You're just... here. And here is a wonderful place to be.

But there is a niggling suspicion growing in the back of your mind. A suspicion that here is not somewhere you wanted to be. That it is not where you're supposed to be. You remember... chasing a white rabbit (or was it a person)? A mirror? Bright light, and green ivy crawling over your skin... Before you can worry too much, the box jolts, and then settles, and after a long moment the walls fall from around you to reveal —

A hotel lobby?

"Welcome to the Happy Hearts Hotel and Casino," says an attendant behind a desk. "We're so pleased you could join us. We have your room keys and Empathies here, please make an orderly line and we'll hand them out once we've confirmed identities. After that, feel free to explore the hotel! We highly recommend starting with the casino. Everyone's a winner here in Happy Hearts!"

Is this normal? It doesn't feel normal. And hey — you could swear you had shoes before!

I. INFESTATION

It starts with soft squeaks echoing in the hallways, the lobby, even Oysters' rooms. There's no accompanying scratching or the scurrying of feet that would usually signify an animal in the walls, only incessant squeaking that never seems to let up. Less than a day after it begins, the first squeaking creature makes its appearance. It is quickly followed by another, and another, and another, until one can't take more than a few steps without encountering one.

They range in size from no longer than an inch to almost a foot in length, and can be found everywhere from the pool area to the buffet to crawling beneath the blankets at night. Aside from their constant presence, they seem harmless. The creatures are soft and squishy, warm and dry to the touch, and don't seem to have any claws or even teeth. If they are treated with kindness, they may even become attached to certain Oysters, who will begin to find they can tell the creature apart from the others.

They can also be killed quite easily. They are resilient, and will bounce if dropped, but they have no defense against anything sharp and the smaller ones will not recover if stepped on.

The hotel staff view the little green creatures with varying levels of distaste, from mild irritation to shrieking at the sight of one.

"It always happens this time of year," one staff may say if asked. "The weather changes, they come in from the garden."

"They're hiding," another may state. "Who wouldn't? It's much safer in here."

Safer from what, you may ask?

The hotel staff give no answer to that.

After only a few days, the small creatures will begin to change. Those who have been shown kindness will become softer, fluffier. Prolonged contact with them will invoke feelings of happiness, will bring daydreams that feel real, though no one else can see them.

Those who have not been treated kindly will become more resilient, with spikes sharp enough to prick skin at the slightest touch. Stumbling over one of these will cause terrible hallucinations, waking nightmares that can only be dispelled with assistance from another.

II. THE QUEEN'S GARDEN

The creatures have been in the hotel over a week when a new archway appears in the hotel lobby.

It is nearly October, hotel staff will say. There is a wedding to prepare for, and the yearly harvest festival. The Queen does so love her Oysters, of course, that she is opening up her gardens for both.

The garden itself is expansive, spanning multiple acres. There is a winding path lined with neatly manicured rose bushes in all colors, another overgrown with ivy, another leading through trees with leaves of reds and golds. Groves of fruit trees are heavy with apples and pears. Elaborate water fountains and delicate streams flow between small ponds, each bordered by different types of water plants and filled with everything ranging from goldfish to koi. There is a chill in the air, and scattered throughout the gardens are stone fire pits, a stash of blankets, bags of marshmallows and cartons of fresh pressed apple cider.

It is the only place aside from the pool that Oysters will be able to see the sun instead of the eternal twilight outside of the hotel windows.

Night will fall here, too, and with it all the fire pits are lit. Lanterns line the paths, and some glow from the thick of the gardens themselves, though there are still shadowy places that one can retreat to if desiring privacy.

III. HEDGE MAZE

The garden is bordered on all sides by a massive wall of shrubbery — a hedge maze, hotel staff will say. They may even warn that those who go in without an escort will find themselves hopelessly lost.

There is nothing stopping Oysters from trying anyway, of course. The entrance to the hedge maze is difficult to find, but not impossible for those who are persistent. No matter what time of day it is in the garden, it will be night in the hedge maze, with no lanterns to guide the way. The entrance back to the garden will glow warm and bright for only a few moments after stepping inside, and will then disappear entirely.

It seems there is no way to go but forward.

The deeper into the maze, the darker it gets, as though even the moon and stars are growing dim. Oysters may catch sounds of soft breathing in the night, and may even observe that the hedge wall itself seems to sway as though something just beyond it — or in it — is moving. Those who enter the maze will find themselves wandering for what feels like hours, days. Does that turn look familiar? Have you been down this way before? Who can tell, when nothing about the maze ever seems to change.

Eventually, Oysters will find that they have been lead back to the garden, exhausted and hungry, though no time at all has passed for everyone else.

IV. WELCOME HOME

Maybe you just want to be alone — well, that's what you have your room key for! Oysters room on the second and third floors of the hotel, one to a room. You were assured your room would be exactly what you'd always wished for — and for some, that's right! It's exactly as you would have decorated it yourself. But for others, their rooms are totally wrong. A grizzled cowboy can't have a pink room! Hotel staff are firm, though: every room is exactly as its owner wants it to be. Search your feelings, Oyster. You know it to be true.

On each bed are the Oysters' personal effects, minus weapons, as well as a towel folded in the shape of a heart, and a single foil-wrapped chocolate. If eaten, the chocolate is delicious, and incites a feeling of tender warmth in Oysters — not lust, but a desire for closeness. Why spend time in your room, when you could go find a new friend in the casino?

Please direct any questions to the first comment on this page, and happy playing, Oysters!

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Normally, Huaisang would have kept it together until he was alone but more than almost anyone else Xichen is the safest person to let see him this way. Suddenly it felt as if over a decade of his life had been for nothing and every betrayal and the grief of realizing it felt fresh. He tries to hold the tears back but they fall and he bows his head, not pulling his hand away from the other's touch but he doesn't uncurl his fist.

There's sorrow but there's anger. There's so much anger and he wants to rip Meng Yao apart with his bare hands, or do what he had done to his brother.

"It's not fair."

Huaisang starts crying, and Lan Xichen's chest feels hollow, as though he is crying as well although he isn't sure he has any tears left at the moment.

He doesn't have a response to that. It isn't fair. Their world had not been fair, or kind, to so many of them. Even here, in his darkest moments alone, he is acutely aware that he cannot change any of it. He remembers his conversation with Wangji, that when they have found a way free of this place, they will all go back to their homes.

It has been enough, for him, to believe that he may yet stop Nie Mingjue and Meng Yao's futures from becoming his past. It does not change the fact that when he goes home, nothing will be different. He thought he would be at their sides for the rest of his life, but instead he only tied them together in destruction. Lan Xichen will still be thinking and rethinking every choice he ever made, he still doubts he will ever completely trust his own judgment again, and Huaisang will still be without his brother.

The world has not been fair to Huaisang, and there is nothing he can do to fix it.

His fingertips press into whatever gaps he can find in Huaisang's fist, and he tugs on it lightly.

"Come here?"

Huaisang stares down at the other's hand, the way his fingers press and the way that Huaisang almost relaxes his hand. He tries to control the tears but it's difficult and his breath shudders when he tries not to let it go. He moves closer to Xichen. It had been a long time since he could even allow himself to cry like this, to grieve not only Mingjue's death but the loss of Meng Yao who had been like family.

"Why did any of this have to happen?" it's a futile question but he chokes it out anyway. It's all so stupid. How couldn't Meng Yao have seen that he was loved why did he have to destroy everything?

As long as Huaisang doesn't push him off, Lan Xichen is not planning on letting go. When Huaisang shifts closer, so does Lan Xichen, until his knee brushes against Huaisang's and their shoulders are leaning against each other.

"I have asked myself that question a thousand times. I have traced back through everything I thought I knew. I have wondered - where was the tipping point? Was it a series of moments, of choices, each so subtle that by the time they built up to become a catalyst it was too late? What does it say about the world we live in, the one we tried to build from the ashes of what was left to us, that this is what it culminated in?"

He has not admitted this to anyone else. He suspects Wangji is aware of some of it without them discussing it, because he is Wangji and they have always understood each other. But Lan Xichen is not only a man who has loved deeply, he is a Sect leader. His time in seclusion had not only been spent in personal grief and guilt. He had plenty of both to spare for sect politics, for the world in general.

"I have few conclusions, only speculations, but I would share them with you if you wanted."

Huaisang sags against Xichen once their close enough to touch, close enough for him to let himself fall into him just a little. Huaisang had his thoughts too. He's had a long time to come to the realization that there would have been no saving Meng Yao, that someone who values the slights against them more than the good in their life is someone who can't be helped, who can't really accept love. There were mistakes, everyone had made mistakes but the retribution far outweighed the wrongs.

He tries to stop crying but the tears still fall even if he manages not to make any more noises, instead he's able to cry quietly.

"Please do."

"I know what it feels to be unable to escape the role that has been set on you since birth, but I do not know how it feels to be born without privilege. There are many in our world that tell us that there is little that matters more than who our parents are, and he listened to them. He was told what he would need, to have safety and security in this world, and he was not -"

Lan Xichen falters here, briefly. This is the part that he has gone over most in his mind, that he considers one of the ways in which he failed the most. Meng Yao had not trusted that Lan Xichen would support him - and why should he? Why should any of them have ever trusted that Lan Xichen would have acted after the war was over, with Cloud Recesses still in ruins and his Sect needing his focus, why would they ever believe he would take a risk for them?

He should have stood in front of Jin Guangyao and told Jin Guangshan that it was unacceptable to treat one's son in such a manner, he should have let his uncle handle more and played for Mingue every day if he had to, he should have he should have he should have.

But he had pretty words, and they always seemed to work so well. He had foolishly believed they would have any lasting effect. It seems it was easy for others to agree with them, and then do whatever they wanted when he was gone.

"- he was never able to truly believe that he had other options. There was only ever one way to him, and even when he realized that route would not get him what he wanted, he was blind to everything else that might."

He runs his thumb over the back of Huaisang's hand, his voice getting even quieter. "Those who disdained him when he was Meng Yao and his efforts might have been honest loved him when he was Jin Guangyao and his actions were not. Those who praised Wei Wuxian's talents in the war decried them when they were no longer useful. There are times when I have wondered if it could not be said that our world shapes people into doing what they must to survive, and then punishes them for it."

"You still view him too kindly. There was nothing more we could have done because he held on to even the smallest slights and he saw slights where there were none. No matter how much we loved him, he couldn't love us back, not real love. He was given more love than many receive but he couldn't even see it through his vitriol," Huaisang says his voice rough and it pains him because as much as he hates Meng Yao he still loves him. He had trusted him with his life, with his brother's life more importantly.

"What happened to Wei Wuxian is not the same as what happened with him. He did truly do what he needed to survive but Meng Yao had choices. He chose to become a monster with no good intentions, driven by selfishness and grievances."

He stares at the other's thumb as it moved over his hand and Xichen had always been calm at calming him just as he had been good at calming his brother. His breath shudders again at the thought.

"I loved him as I did da ge and it didn't matter one bit to him. None of us were enough. And no matter how we change our world people like that will always exist. They're born broken no matter what status they are given."

"I know." It's quiet, barely above a whisper, but it slips out anyway. He does still view him too kindly. He cannot stop loving him, and it has been too easy to look at the Meng Yao here and see the same one who had saved his life from the Wen. Who saved his life here. He tells himself that he knows what Meng Yao is capable of, that this time he is asking questions and putting actions behind his words, but there is a reason that he asked Wangji to keep an eye on him.

Lan Xichen does not trust himself.

And he knows that particular quality of roughness in Huaisang's voice, because he has heard it in his own. He has thought of course you were not enough, and there are times when he still does.

"It is easier to see the choices someone else could make than it is to see your own, and love is not always enough even for those who are not broken." He swallows, a little rough. The last person he told any of this story to was Wei Wuxian, who does not even remember that he did so. "My father loved my mother more than anything else in this world. It did not buy her safety, or security, or happiness. It bought her a prison, and a life ended too soon."

Or perhaps his mother was broken, too, perhaps others would say she was incapable of love. But all he remembers is how Wangji would look forward to their visits, and how she looked at him with such care in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Huaisang. Anyone you love should have the sense to see that you are more than enough."

Huaisang didn't have the energy to object. He just wants to stop crying to stop feeling the old pain brand new again as if his closure has been undone. He shakes his head by the end of what Xichen says. His hand not already covered by Xichen's covers the older man's briefly.

"Please do not say sorry to me," he doesn't like to hear those words on the other's lips. "Not when I owe you countless apologies," he lets out another harsh breath the hand that had covered Xichen's briefly goes up to wipe at his face even if it's useless since he can't seem to stop shedding tears very long. How embarrassing.

"It's a silly sentiment anyway. I've always been lacking something to everyone I have loved."

Edited 2020-09-27 08:01 (UTC)

Oh, Huaisang. His heart breaks, a little, as it has every time Lan Xichen has seen him cry - real tears, anyway - and for a moment he wishes he could take the pain on as his own.

"You owe me nothing."

His free hand comes up to cup the side of Huaisang's face - not to try to wipe away his tears, just to be there, thumb resting over his cheekbone.

"I thought this was lost to me, that you may no longer want me near you. I wondered how much you had ever needed, or wanted, the support I thought I could give." He isn't sure he could even put into words how much it means to him that Huaisang is still sitting here, that he hasn't pushed him away. "You are not lacking in anything that matters, to me."

"Yes I do," Huaisang says quietly and with the tenderness of the other's hand both comforts and fractures him more. "I should have done something more," so it wouldn't have been left to Xichen, so there wouldn't be any ambiguity.

Xichen with words so kind and sweet and Huaisang knows he can believe him, he can trust Xichen despite the other's blind spot. And there is nearly no one left he could trust. He sucks in a deep breath and he pulls his hand away from the others but it's only so he can shift to hug his arms tightly around the other man.

"I always needed and wanted your support. I just couldn't..." there was only so much he could allow for so long. "I don't know how you could not hold it all against me."

"I can hardly tell you otherwise, when I have felt the same." He knows very well that it is not a feeling that will go away simply because someone else tells you it isn't true. "Perhaps there will always be something more we could have done. But it does not mean you owe me anything."

When Huaisang pulls his hand away to hug him, Lan Xichen lets out a long, slow breath, letting his body relax so he can gather Huaisang up in his arms and pull him in. He holds on just as tight, eyes slipping shut for a moment when he says he doesn't know how he doesn't hold it against him.

Because he loves Huaisang. It is hardly a secret that Lan Xichen is soft hearted - both he himself and Mingjue had called him so, when they discussed matters here, and it is no different with Huaisang. There are things he could not forgive, even with those he loves, but this is not one of them. Not when he has already gone over it again and again in his mind.

"How could I? You were betrayed, angry and grieving, and alone." How utterly alone Huaisang must have felt with Mingjue ripped from him, unable to truly depend on the two who should have stood with him through anything, the knowledge of the betrayal and Jin Guangyao's true nature hanging over him at every moment. "I'm here," he adds, very quietly. "I will still be here, as long as you want."

Perhaps, Huaisang will argue that point at a later time. That he should have found a way to make it so that Meng Yao died by Huaisang's hands and not just his words, not on Xichen's hands. But at this time he doesn't press it because he doesn't want to argue with him. He just wants to be there in comforting arms, crying tears he really hadn't allowed himself much of in the past years.

Huaisang just sags even more into Xichen's, his arms tightening around him and how is it that the other can make him feel seen for the first time in years. He had been alone, alone in his grief and his knowledge, his plans.

"Thank you," is all he says, pressing his face into the other's shoulder, he'll apologize about that later.

It's telling, he thinks, that Huaisang doesn't protest. Perhaps he is just as tired as Lan Xichen is, when he lets himself stop focusing on this place and his purpose within it long enough to feel. He is not quite naive enough to think that the conversation is finished, but it hardly matters at the moment.

At the moment, all he wants is to hold Huaisang so tightly that he might begin to believe that, after so long, he is no longer be alone.

Lan Xichen shifts a little, so he can run his hand over Huaisang's hair, gentle and soothing.

"You are welcome. Always," he murmurs, an echo of the promise he had made Mingjue when they agreed that they were still sworn brothers, no matter the differences in their timelines.

Huaisang eventually starts to calm, to stop crying. He turns his head so it's his cheek that's resting on the other's shoulder, reaching up a hand to wipe at his face. Well, he probably looks a mess. He doesn't make a move to pull away or loosen his hold on Xichen.

He doesn't want to give up being held just yet.

"I'm glad you're here."

It feels selfish, somehow, to admit that he is glad that Huaisang is here, too, when he knows full well what this place is like. They are more powerless here than he has ever been at home, and yet - and yet being here has brought him hope that he could not have imagined, when he was sitting in seclusion at home.

Perhaps he can be a little selfish.

"As am I. I missed you," he says, giving no indication that he is ready to stop holding Huaisang, either. "And I am glad to see you, even in such a place."

Maybe they're all allowed to be selfish at this point.

"I missed you too," Huaisang exhales, closing his eyes. "There are far worse places we could be, I'm sure."

At least here, the air is somewhat cleared, at least here Mingjue is there somehow.

"True. At least we are together."

Lan Xichen does not know what he would have done if he had woken up here without his family. If nothing else, it has given him the opportunity to meet this other world's Wangji and Wuxian, and to have a second chance with another Mingjue and Meng Yao.

He tips his head down, resting it against Huaisang's.

"Huaisang - we are all from different times, here. Whether you wish to drop any pretense or keep it up, I will support you."

"Yes," Huaisang agrees, a smiling starting to tug at the corner of his lip. "I've been alone a really long time."

His eyes close as the weight of the other's head rests against his own and he's comforted by it, everything about this is a comfort and makes him feel safe. He sighs as he has to face the reality of the situation here.

"I don't want to keep pretending."

He'd just found the end of it back home he didn't know that he could start all over again.

"Never again."

It's foolish to make such a promise, and would be so whether it was back home or here. If Lan Xichen has learned nothing else, it's that the people you love can always be taken from you, no matter what you try to do. But he doesn't care. It will not stop him from expressing the sentiment, or from trying anyway.

He smiles, just a little, when Huaisang says he doesn't want to keep pretending. "I'm glad. You deserve a rest, and I - would like us to do this together. No pretenses, just you. I trust you."

It is a promise that is probably impossible to keep but Huaisang accepts it all the same. He takes a deep breath and his arms finally loosen but he's still not moving away. He nods at the following words.

"I trust you too."

He always had but he had also known Xichen's weaknesses.

There is a sharp intake of breath when Huaisang says that, his hands tightening reflexively in the other's robes before he loosens his grip.

"How can you?"

There is something freeing in the words, the question he has asked himself over and over - even here, even where he has been able to be more of what he should be. How can any of them trust him, when he has been proven to be so thoroughly faulty in his judgement?

"I hardly trust myself."

"How can I not?" Huaisang returns, swallowing a little and looking up at Xichen.

"Da ge, trusted you," Huaisang murmurs.

"You are not your mistakes."

Lan Xichen smiles at that, but it is bitter and broken, and he hates it the moment he feels it on his lips.

It was - nice, for Meng Yao to spin his faults into strengths when Lan Xichen tells him of them, for Mingjue to say that if Lan Xichen was a fool than so was he, for Huaisang to say he is not his mistakes.

But he got Mingjue killed, and he was nearly as blind to Huaisang as he was to Jin Guangyao. He knows what he is.

"What is a Sect Leader, if not the grand total of their mistakes weighed against their successes? What good have I ever done, that could provide enough of a balance for that?"

The questions have barely left his lips before he is shaking his head, fingers clenching tightly to - whoever's robes are under his hands at the moment, he honestly isn't certain. This should not be Huaisang's burden to bear, and he cannot allow himself to bleed out just because there are cracks in his composure.

"They are not questions that are meant to have an answer. We have much more important things here - we have been trying to find a better way to communicate, one that protects us from others listening in."

Huaisang frowns at Xichen. And he answers anyway.

"You have been doing good for years, years before I became a Sect Leader. You're just blind to it because of your guilt."

He lets the other clutch on his robes and his arms tighten in a firm hug around him. He didn't blame Xichen for what happened to Mingjue. Huaisang had had unique experiences that had given him more signs than most, perhaps... Xichen had never been on the cutting edge of Meng Yao's attacks, Huaisang had. Meng Yao had nearly killed him too and by his brother's hand. Meng Yao had been foolish in thinking that Huaisang would be too stupid to put it together.

Huaisang's arms loosen once more and at some point he will have to pull away from the other but he doesn't want to yet. It's like he's trying to make up for years and years of a drought of real comfort and companionship.

"No talisman that works?"

HAPPY HEARTS HOTEL

I. INFESTATION

II. THE QUEEN'S GARDEN

III. HEDGE MAZE

IV. WELCOME HOME

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sry this is so short

<3 you're good!

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